Understanding vs. Agreement
Understanding vs. Agreement: The Secret to Communication That Actually Connects
When couples fight, they often think the problem is a lack of understanding.
But here’s the radical truth: most of the time, what you’re actually craving is agreement.
And that, my friend, is why your communication feels so stuck.
In this article, we’ll explore the dangerous illusion of confusing understanding with agreement, why it causes so much conflict, and what to do instead if you want your communication to create connection—not disconnection.
The Illusion of “Understanding”
When you say, “I just want you to understand me,” what you often mean is:
👉 “I want you to agree with me.”
But agreement is not the same as understanding.
Agreement means: “My picture matches your picture. We see this the same way.”
Understanding means: “I can step into your world and see how you got to your perspective, even if I would never get there the same way.”
The purpose of communication is not to win or to convince. The point is connection.
A Story: Jane and Leah
Let’s take one of my clients, Jane and Leah (names changed).
Leah didn’t want Jane to keep playing soccer. To her, it felt unsafe because of a past injury in their relationship. But Jane had worked hard to rebuild trust and couldn’t understand why Leah wouldn’t support her in doing something she loved.
Both wanted “understanding”—but really, what they wanted was agreement.
Leah wanted Jane to prioritize family time over soccer.
Jane wanted Leah to accept that soccer was safe and okay.
Neither was wrong. They were simply different.
The breakthrough came when they realized they didn’t need agreement to move forward. What they needed was true understanding. Once they could acknowledge, “I get why this matters to you, even if I don’t agree,” they were finally able to compromise and collaborate.
3 Shifts to Improve Your Communication
If you’re tired of communication breakdowns with your partner, here are three powerful shifts:
1. Stop Equating Understanding With Agreement
You can deeply understand your partner’s perspective without ever agreeing with it. Build a “love map” of how your partner sees the world. The more you refine this, the easier communication—and connection—becomes.
2. Notice When “I Don’t Understand” Really Means “I Disagree”
Be honest with yourself: are you actually trying to map your partner’s world, or are you waiting to be convinced? True understanding doesn’t require persuasion—it requires empathy.
3. Aim for Shared Humanity, Not Shared Conclusions
The goal of communication that connects isn’t to land on the same conclusion. It’s to honor each other’s humanity. You can say, “I get why this matters to you” without saying, “You’re right and I was wrong.”
Why This Matters
When you stop trying to force agreement and start practicing real understanding:
Conversations stop being a tug-of-war.
Your partner feels safer opening up without fear of being judged.
You build trust, safety, and security.
You have the information you actually need to solve problems together.
This is how you create a relationship where you don’t have to walk on eggshells… where you can disagree and still feel deeply connected.
Take the Next Step
If you’re ready to break free from cycles of disconnection and learn the skills of true relational leadership, here is an affordable way to go deeper:
✨ Join The Relationship (R)Evolution
A powerful monthly membership where you’ll learn to:
Communicate with clarity, not chaos
Set boundaries without ultimatums
Interrupt with love—and be received with grace
Founding member rate still available:
👉 Join now for just $97/month »
