What Romance Really Is — And Why Most Couples Keep Getting It Wrong

Romance Isn't Dead. You Just Don’t Know What It Actually Is.

By Dr. Jeni Wahlig · February 13, 2026 · PowerfuLove

She asked for flowers. He got her flowers. They had glitter on them.

She spent an entire week processing how unseen and unloved she felt.

He spent that same week convinced that nothing he does will ever be enough.

Sound familiar? Ok, maybe not in the details, but in the feeling? Almost certainly. Because every couple has some version of this story– a story of trying to show love, to be romantic, and failing miserably– leading to disappointment and frustration for both partners. \

This is what happens when we don't understand what romance actually is. Not the movie version. Not the version someone else fantasized about. The real version… the one that actually works in a real relationship with a real person who is trying, imperfectly, to love you.

That is what I want to talk about today.

The Fantasy That’s Fooling You

Most of us learned romance from movies, novels, and cultural scripts. Those sources gave us a very specific picture: effortless, cinematic, extravagant, perfectly timed, dramatic, passionate. Often mind-reading-based. And… often very gendered– as in, masculine performing and feminine receiving.

That picture, though? That’s someone else's fantasy. (And it’s in books, shows, and movies for a reason… because that is where fantasy can be played out with perfection.) So, when real love fails to match that perfect fantasy unfolding, we feel it as failure. We decide, albeit unconsciously, that it doesn't count.

We become conditioned to wait to be impressed by our partners, rather than learning how to be relationally attuned to the love that's already being offered.

This fantasy ideal of romance fools us into thinking that THAT is what romance is supposed to look and feel like. Butand as long as that's the standard, we're going to keep missing each other.

It’s no wonder so many couples believe that romance is dead.

The Definition That Changes Everything

Let’s get clear on what romance really is.

First, here’s what it’s not: Romance is not performative. It's not scripted. It's not gendered by default. It's not a personality trait, as in "He’s just not very romantic." And it is not a fixed set of gestures– eg. candle light, roses, and all the right words.

Here’s what romance actually is:

"Romance is the intentional expression of care in a way that makes your partner feel desired, chosen, and emotionally significant… cherished, adored, seen."

Read that one twice, my friend.

And here's the paradigm shift I want you to actually sit with:

"Romance is not what you do. It is how well what you do lands with your specific partner."

Yeah. It has. To. Land.

That means romance is relational. Attuned. Learned. Practiced.

Let me give you an example of real romance from my own relationship. At night, I get cold. My partner Calvin is often my big spoon as we go to sleep. Sometimes he notices that the back of my neck is uncovered, and without me asking, he reaches over and tucks the blanket up around my shoulders and neck so I'm warm all the way around.

“Cal?” I recently said, “that is one of the most romantic things you do for me.” Why? Because it makes me feel seen. It makes me feel like I matter to him enough for him to notice. And that, my friends, is romance. Not because it's cinematic… but because it landed.

Hold up though, because there’s another missing piece. Yes, it was romantic because it landed… butand it landed because I was able to receive it.

Receiving Is a Relational Skill — and Most of Us Were Never Taught It

Here's the other side of romance that almost never gets discussed: receiving.

Romance requires that you are able to receive the gestures being given. So many people say they want more romance, but when romance shows up, they minimize it, judge it, dismiss it, or move the goalpost. That was good, but not that good. That doesn't really count, because (enter fantasy expectation!)

I know this pattern intimately. When an ex proposed to me, they claimed that they’d come up with an incredibly romantic way to do it. And so my mind started working. By the time they proposed, I had built such a specific fantasy in my mind– a flash mob, or a ring planted in a seedling that would push it out as the plant grew– that when they actually proposed thoughtfully and lovingly, I couldn't receive it. My heart dropped, and I didn’t know what how to respond. I said “Yes,” but then I literally took the ring and scrubbed it in the mud because it was "too pretty and perfect." The truth is… I was just uncomfortable in disappointment I was too ashamed to express!

I cringe telling that story. But I'm telling it because it illustrates something important: when we can't receive, even the most thoughtful and attuned romantic gestures won’t land. And after a while, our partners stop trying. Not because they don't love us, but because nothing they do works.

Receiving is not passive. It is an active relational skill. It requires choosing to notice, to translate, to let care count. Sometimes it even requires tolerating discomfort, especially if being openly cherished is unfamiliar to your nervous system.

This Is How Romance Thrives… or Dies

"Romance dies when one person performs, the other person evaluates, and no one learns. It THRIVES when desire is made known, effort is acknowledged, and learning is mutual."

Rest assured, romance isn't dead in your relationship. It may have faded… maybe it was never even really attempted… but I’m willing to bet that’s because you and your partner (like the rest of us!) haven’t understood what romance really is. Without knowing what it is, you can’t give it in a way that translates. Without knowing what it is, you may not know how to receive it.

Now, though, you know! And the next step is to practice… to learn what romance is for your relationship. When you learn to express romance with intention, rooted in attunement to your partner rather than a fantasy, and when you learn to receive it by noticing effort, translating intent, and letting care count, love will start to feel loving.

Here’s what the goal that really matters:

"A love that feels loving isn't about how romantic it looks. It is about how consistently cherished you both feel."

Romance Is Waiting

The romance you've been craving doesn't live in a different relationship. It lives in the ordinary moments of this one… waiting for you to finally know how to give it, receive it, and let it matter.

Teach your partner what makes you feel cherished. Be specific. Let them learn. And do your own receiving work so the love that's already being offered can start to actually land.

Romance isn't dead. It's just been waiting for us to grow up, to let go of the fantasy and learn how to love our partner on purpose, for who they are, in the way they need.

If you're ready to do that kind of work with real support and real tools, come join us inside the Relationship Revolution Community. Monthly coaching calls, accountability, and the practices that actually create change. $147/month, cancel anytime.

Watch the full episode on YouTube: https://youtube.com/live/VO2tStrFiVM?feature=share

Dr. Jeni Wahlig is a relationship revolutionary, mentor, and co-founder of PowerfuLove Relationships. Her weekly Catalyst Conversations series is part of a larger mission to revolutionize how we love. Learn more at powerfulove.com.